Idea: Novel ideas for Mormon novels

The AMV think tank has been busy this summer researching a myriad of fantastic ideas to further the cause of Mormon culture (i.e. killing orcs on Worlds of Warcraft) but I am pleased that there has been time to write up some initial finding and thus bring you another installment in the 'idea' series. Ideas for Mormon novels that surpass the ordinary. This ain't your sweet mom's Charlie or your weird uncle's The Backslider.

1. Chicken: Told from the point of view of a bucket of KFC at a family reunion held at a park in Sandy, Utah, this novel explores how each of the family members who partake of the chicken from the bucket is a coward -- from the recent RM who is trying to avoid a calling as a stake missionary to the 15-year-old daughter who refuses to play softball for fear of looking sweaty in front of the cute foreign exchange student, to the 40-year-old husband who can't bring himself to tell his wife about his appointment to ge hair plugs, to the family matriarch who after all these years still resent the fact that her younger sister became a relief president before her.

2. Defenders of Faith: A Missionary Thriller: Can two LDS Elders who have been kidnapped by a Christian fundamentalist cult convince their guard fo the truthfulness of The Restored Gospel before the crazy cult leader initiates a Waco-style stand-off? Uses actualy scriptural and scientific proofs -- a great gift for all members of the Church who care about The TRUTH!!!!

3. Angel of Repose: A postmodern romp that doesn't have much of a plot, but features such outrageous characters as...

An aging dairy farmer who is convinced that the spirit of his dead wife has possessed one of his milk cows.
An isolated, valium-addicted, East Coast housewife whose husband is gay (and in the closet).*
A homeless man who may or may not be one of the Three Nephites.
And a little girl whose best friend is a flannel board named Heber.

4. Emma: What could make for a better LDS romance novel than to go back to the genre's root? Nothing -- that's what. This Mormonized** version of the Jane Austen classic will be a sure-fire bestseller. Of course, Mr. Knightley is now a 27-year-old widower/Bishop instead of a 38-year-old aristocrat. No one wants to think about a 17-year age gap. Oh, and Emma isn't quite so bratty. And she lives with wacky, fun roommates instead of her father. But she still tries to fix up everybody in her singles ward. And there's a totally hilarious picnic scene that takes place in Provo canyon.

5. Decent Proposal: A rich non-member offers an LDS couple $1 million if the wife will make a scrapbook*** for him. Not as boring as it sounds -- she'll be using wet embossing.

* So totally not stolen from Kushner.
** Note to self -- copyright the term "Mormonize."
*** I'm afraid this reference has activated the Mormon culture cliche quota notifier. The quota has been maxed for the year. No one is allowed make any scrapbook-related jokes until Jan. 1, 2006. Violaters will be forced to take a three-week intensive tolepainting class titled "Fun with Pastels." Jokes about tolepainting and funeral potatoes are still allowed. But please use them responsibly.

ALSO: Slightly amused? Check out a previous installment -- Idea: First lines for Mormon fiction